3 keys Marcus Aurelius teaches us about Validation

It’s hard to believe a Roman emperor that died almost 2,000 years ago would be able to offer any hope to the millions of us dealing the affliction of people pleasing.  His book Meditations contains countless bits of easily digestible advice.  One such bit:

‘Just as a solid rock is not shaken by the storm, even so the wise are not affected by blame or praise”

We are all humans and it’s normal for outside events to cause internal emotions that often swing wildly. Even things so trivial as a harsh glance or stern tone of voice can lead us to completely question our ability. The same is true for compliments. Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment” Praise just feels nice; and it should. But when we expect it, when we depend on it for our self-worth, it becomes detrimental. What Marcus Aurelius was really talking about is Validation. He offers this advice.  

Validation Must come from within

The solid rock is strong, it is sturdy and is not affected by the events outside that are outside of its control. The rock does not require the admiration of others. It does not feel the pain of criticism. The rock has no ego, the rock will weather a hurricane and remain unchanged. Having an ego and self-worth that depends on the admiration of others will always be a perilous place to be. Doing so puts your wellbeing int the hands of other people. Besides, how often do we misinterpret the words and actions of others. How easy is it to incorrectly assume hidden meaning in another’s body language or facial expression. The foundation of the solid rock that Marcus is speaking of is independent of the waves, independent of the quickly changing forces it experiences.

The weather will always change

Impermanence is a major principle for the stoics. The storm lashing the rock will eventually pass and the sky will ultimately clear. Both praise and blame are transient and fleeting. The weather will soon shift as it always will, that is the way of things. We will have good days and bad. By simply observing the present moment and accepting the impermanent nature of external validation, we free ourselves from the shackles of approval-seeking behavior and the need to always be a pleaser. The “weather” also changes for other people and they can not be trusted or depended upon to provide us with the attention we need. When we rely on the appraisal of others we are vunerable to the . You are also exposing yourself to manipulation  Cultivating inner virtue provides a foundation strong enough to flourish regardless of external events.

Internal Validation makes us more open

Developing such traits as character, kindness and patience builds inner strength allowing you to rise above petty grievances. That does not mean we should be indifferent to the feedback or criticism that we will undoubtedly face. The goal is to face the struggles of life with a sense of inner composure that allows us to discern and separate the valuable insight from others with the noise of external judgment.

The rock never pushes back against the waves, water just crashes over it. Being in the habit of always seeking approval makes us overly defensive to criticism, which makes us both more difficult to be around but also less open to change, even if change is needed. This allows us to be more resilient to the challenges we face.

The words this week from Marcus instruct us to be kind, to work hard and develop our own internal sense of confidence. By focusing your energy on cultivating strong character traits, and not simply competing for the unpredictable approval of others will help you weather the storms with grace and effectively grow as a person.